I arrived at the gym yesterday to freebies. I love freebies. And not just any freebies, but Gatorade!
To be specific, the Gatorade fit series, which comes in 3 steps:
1) “Prime” – Also called “Gatorade 01″ – use it before you work out
2) “Perform” – Gatorade 02 – During workout
3) ”Recover” – Gatorade 03 – You can guess when you use this.
Retail value? A lot. It would have been cheaper, but you know the douchebaggery that came with adding a 0 before each number doubled the price. So great, I can get started for free.
I quickly threw away my water bottle. Water? Fucking water. You can’t do 3 things. You can only hydrate.
First, I grabbed Gatorade 01, which came in 4 individually hermetically sealed bar forms as “Banana Nut Chocolate.” The pack encouraged me to eat between 1 and 4 pieces, depending on the intensity of my workout. I got one out and it looked a little like one of those sesame sweet things with honey, wrapped on either side by bubble wrap.
This was confusing. Do I eat the bubble wrap? I decided to and got it down the gullet. It tasted well, not bad exactly, but like a food unit. Food of the fucking future! I decided to up my workout to Intensity level 2 and downed another food unit. My mouth was coated in aftertaste.
I grabbed an “02″ which may or may not be related to G2, also known as the Gatorade I give my kids so they don’t become diabetic. Melon-pear flavored. Clear. But one thing they got right…. it was cold. Dripping in an ice cooler. This seemed refreshing.
I hit the ellipse machine and got the sweat going and started squirting the shit out of the 02 bottle, alternating between sucking and spraying my palate. You know… pear and melon (a honeydew, the money melon) are a good team. It tasted pretty good. It would have been great if, you know, it quenched my thirst. Unfortunately I was extra thirsty from consuming 2 food units earlier that had been completely desiccated.
Finished my 45 minutes on the machine and now I am licking my chops at 03, which promised to be the big reward. A Berry flavored protein shake. That sounds awesome. Replenish. Rejuvenate. Fill my hunger.
The taste? I would say metallic bum-bum comes the closest. I took a big swig and audibly gasped at the container which essentially did the equivalent of fart in my mouth. My reaction frightened people. I needed to get out of there, and right away. I threw it away and made my way out of the gym.
Then, I turned around and grab 3 more of the food unit bars.
