Some sitcoms are funny to people that aren’t me. These include Two and A Half Men, the new one with the lady from Raymond, Growing Pains, Mike and Molly (probably) and anything else.

Here is the thing though, some of these shows were going to be funny. You can just see it, and they got fucked up.

2 Broke Girls is one of those shows.

Now I usually don’t judge a show from its pilot, but this one I did, because it could have been funny and I wanted to like it. It was unwatchable. The first 10 minutes featured a really bad joke about a vagina, hipsters being too hip, and lots of sweet sweet abs. I was giving it some slack because it was a pilot.

Then came the subway scene.

Main character standing on morning commute subway. Subway stops short and main character, not ready for it, is pushed forward to well braced, stout, African-American woman. Through sheer chance, their lips touch. Smooch!

This was funny. Nothing more needed to be said. I believe nothing was originally written for this. Instead, main character says “Well, I can cross that off my bucket list.”

Painful. First of all, it is confusing. Cross what off? Kissing a woman? Kissing an African-American woman? Kissing a stranger on a subway? It is borderline homophobic and racist while not funny at all. It is a joke that only leads to canned laughter, and the intro to a scene.

(More useless plot on subway with 3^rd party)

Toward the end of the scene, the subway is stopping and the scene is winding down. Just to make sure we got the first joke, the African-American woman comes back in the scene and gives main character a card and says simply “Call me.” Main character gives a facial look that is half “What a crazy world” and half “I just ate a vomit burrito.”

And it made it worse. It is so much worse than 2 and ½ Men because it had a chance.

Aaaaaaand….. SCENE

More than anything though, the reason Qatar is bullshit is how we spell and pronounce it. Now I have never been to Qatar, but it appears they don’t pronounce it “Ka-tar” in Qatar, but more like “Gi-tar” or “Cutter.” So why is this a big deal?

Mainly because we are violating a fundamental tenet of English… Q is followed by U, and for no good reason. Note:

1. They don’t pronounce it like we do, and even if they did, who decided what sound “Qa” makes? Somehow with Qantas (which is an acronym for Queensland and Northwest Territory Aerial services) we imply a “u” sound. So who made the rule that Qa says “ka.” We already have Ka and Ca for that, no?
2. They don’t spell it like we do. They speak Arabic, which is a bunch of squigglies (no disrespect). They spell it قطر‎ So why, if we are going to Anglicize it, do we need to do this?
3. Even if we are trying to be sensitive and try to approximate what the Qataris do, why is Qatar so special. We could easily spell and pronounce Japan as Nippon, Germany as Deutschland, Italy as freaking Italia, Mexico as “Me-hico.” All really easy to say, spell, etc, but we don’t.

All I can think is that between the 2022 World Cup and this pronunciation thing, the Qataris have something on us.

This could be big. Now excuse me while I super-anonymize this blog for when the Qatari version of the Mossad comes looking.

What the hell everyone?  Qatar?  And what is up with the balls here Qatar?  Do we want to rethink this in light of, you know, revolution and shit?  Just curious.

By the way, the World Cup is in the summer.  It is 120 degrees in Doha (Qatar’s capital you dumbshit) in the summer.  Said the Guardian: “

Members of the Qatar bid committee were immediately forced to go on the defensive as they faced questions about terrorism, the treatment of women and the blistering heat in what will be the smallest country to stage the World Cup finals.”

That is a hell of a quadrifecta.

But what is great is that they addressed the heat issue first, with, you know, ROBOTIC REMOTE CONTROL CLOUDS.   Seriously.  You can see it in action here http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/9435035.stm.  I love the background music.

The most ludicrous thing about this is that the clouds cost only $500,000 each, which sounds like what the hawker at the bazaar says he can make them for.  $500,000?  Maybe if you order like 1,000 and pay in advance.  And how much of the $138,000,000,000 is for clouds?  Why not just bag the World Cup and put clouds over the whole country?

Unconfirmed sources have alternately said that the clouds will look like “a bunny eating lasagna”, “the state of Utah”, and “Sarah Jessica Parker’s face.”

The biggest problem with Qatar in the next post.

To be specific, the Gatorade fit series, which comes in 3 steps:

1) “Prime” – Also called “Gatorade 01″ – use it before you work out

2) “Perform” – Gatorade 02 – During workout

3)  ”Recover” – Gatorade 03 – You can guess when you use this.

Retail value?  A lot.  It would have been cheaper, but you know the douchebaggery that came with adding a 0 before each number doubled the price.  So great, I can get started for free.

I quickly threw away my water bottle.  Water?  Fucking water.  You can’t do 3 things.  You can only hydrate.

First, I grabbed Gatorade 01, which came in 4 individually hermetically sealed bar forms as “Banana Nut Chocolate.”  The pack encouraged me to eat between 1 and 4 pieces, depending on the intensity of my workout.  I got one out and it looked a little like one of those sesame sweet things with honey, wrapped on either side by bubble wrap.

This was confusing.  Do I eat the bubble wrap?  I decided to and got it down the gullet.  It tasted well, not bad exactly, but like a food unit.  Food of the fucking future!  I decided to up my workout to Intensity level 2 and downed another food unit.  My mouth was coated in aftertaste.

I grabbed an “02″ which may or may not be related to G2, also known as the Gatorade I give my kids so they don’t become diabetic.  Melon-pear flavored.  Clear.  But one thing they got right…. it was cold.  Dripping in an ice cooler.  This seemed refreshing.

I hit the ellipse machine and got the sweat going and started squirting the shit out of the 02 bottle, alternating between sucking and spraying my palate.  You know… pear and melon (a honeydew, the money melon) are a good team.  It tasted pretty good.  It would have been great if, you know, it quenched my thirst.  Unfortunately I was extra thirsty from consuming 2 food units earlier that had been completely desiccated.

Finished my 45 minutes on the machine and now I am licking my chops at 03, which promised to be the big reward.  A Berry flavored protein shake.  That sounds awesome.  Replenish. Rejuvenate.  Fill my hunger.

The taste?  I would say metallic bum-bum comes the closest.  I took a big swig and audibly gasped at the container which essentially did the equivalent of fart in my mouth.  My reaction frightened people.  I needed to get out of there, and right away.  I threw it away and made my way out of the gym.

Then, I turned around and grab 3 more of the food unit bars.

But guess what, fuck you honey badger.  I ain’t you.  Why?

1) Honey Badger can’t type!  Think you’re all that honey badger.  You are fucking stupid.  Don’t fucking get stung by a cobra.  You can eat some honey or a jackal.  Use your fucking brains for once.  On the other hand, I can type this blog.  I can even register a domain name!

2) Honey Badger can’t order the new iPhone.  Contrary to popular belief, Honey Badger simply can’t order the phone.  It isn’t that he thinks the 4s is just a facelift to the 4.  News flash!  He doesn’t own a phone or have the needed credit to get anything but a prepaid phone.  Down and out Honey Badger.  Dipshit. Meanwhile, I ordered a phone today and will have a nice shiny one this time next week.  Take that!

3) Honey Badger isn’t observing Yom Kippur.  Dumb ass.  Now how are you going to atone for the last year of killing cobras and stealing honey?  And it isn’t like Honey Badger is Catholic, either.  No excuses.  I bet he eats all fucking day.  Meanwhile, I am going to services tonight.  Gates of Repentance, motherfucker.

So there you go… Bitterbuffalo Blogger 3, Honey Badger 0.  A shutout.

Even so, it would be cool to bite the head off a cobra’s head.

Spices are amazing.

Wars were fought over spices. Fortunes won, lost. Salt was a currency, and spawned the words “solider” (originally a fighter for salt); “salary” (payment in salt) and “salad” (the always popular, lettuce with salt (not a favorite at the Hidden Valley Ranch)).

Did anyone enjoy food in the middle ages in England? They didn’t have shit and all they knew how to do was boil, and not fancy ass sous vide but boiled potatoes, mutton, and donkey tail. Donkey tail! Well, maybe not donkey tail but maybe!

So a rundown of spices as if this was a fantasy draft:

Salt: Pretty much the only spice that can kill you.  Also, it is a rock, not a plant.  My Grandfather used to put salt on everything, even his cornflakes.  In related news, he died.  Draft projection: 1st overall, no brainer.  Plays every game, every year.  The Peyton Manning of spices.  Wait, bad example.

Pepper: Robin to Salt’s Batman.  Can you have too much pepper?  Does it mess you up at all?  How has there not been the “Pepper lowers risk of __________ cancer” study.  Where are the pepper people?  The way you know how good pepper is?  No one says no to “Fresh ground pepper?”  Draft Projection: Definitely 1st round.  Not going to surprise anyone, but won’t lose you the season either.

Cumin: Cumin might need a name change, because you never hear much about it.  What is weird is that it sounds like a made up corporate name for a spice.  Like a bunch of execs were sitting around saying “We have this great new spice that makes ground turkey taste great in a taco… it needs a name.”  Maybe it is too corporate?  I say we call it “Bandao” and everyone wants to use it on tapas.  Draft projection: Cumin is a live sleeper.  If it is there in the 4th round, don’t be afraid to reach.

Sugar: Qualifies as a spice for the purposes of this column.  Bad rap lately, but think of the world pre-sugar.  Back to England middle ages.  Molasses was as good as it got.  Molasses sucks.  I guess they had honey, but all those things are a pain in the ass and really sticky.  Draft Projection: late first rounder?

Cinnamon: Seinfeld has a good routine on cinnamon.  Essentially he says cinnamon makes anything taste better.  I think I agree, with the exception being Mexican hot chocolate.  Why drink that shit?  When did we stop wanting our chocolate sweet?  Just leave chocolate alone, and stop adding cinnamon to it.  Great on french toast, great on toast crunch cereal, great in rubs, but not the be all end all.  Draft Projection: Let someone else take the risk on cinnamon.  It has been a long time since cinnamon bears were big.  Caveat:  If you have sugar, cinnamon can be a good handcuff.

Marjoram: Why are we talking about marjoram?  Well why the fuck not?  Draft Projection: Late round flyer.

Paprika: The Reggie Bush of spices.  Great if you only have a little and it isn’t your go to spice.  If it is what you are counting on, you are screwed.  Draft Projection: 6th round… nice to have for depth.

Allspice: Seems like a cop out.  Like, la di da, I am all of the spices together.  Piece of shit.  You know what happens when you put all the colors together when you color? Everything turns shit brown.  Learn from that, fucking allspice.  Projection: Hard to pass up in 7th round, but like drafting Donovan McNabb, you won’t feel good about it.

Five Spice: In the subcategory of blended spices, a go to spice.  Rarely used outside of Asian food.  Somehow I still see this as an experimental spice.  On its way out.  Projection: Pass

Ras el Hanout: On the other hand, this combo spice from Morocco is an up and comer.  Plus the creators just nailed the name.  If you are at dinner and you mention that you love the “Ras el Hanout notes” in a dish, congrats!  You are a douchebag but also the envy of foodies.  Great, great upside.  Think Miles Austin in 2009.  Projection: Grab late, or off the waiver wire, but grab.

Coriander: Confusing.  In Europe they call cilantro coriander.  In the real world they are called separate things (I think coriander is the seed?).  Like the Holland/Netherlands/Dutch of the spices.  Nevertheless, like Holland/Netherlands/Dutch, coriander works in anything you give it a chance to work for.  I would love to have coriander on my team.  Projection: When you draft with your 7th rounder, others will say “Great pick.  Could be the steal of the draft.”

More spices to come next time.

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/81/81arooney.phtml

Announcer: And now, “A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney.”

[Dissolve to Rooney sitting at a desk covered in shoes]

Andy Rooney: I’ve been doing some serious thinking about shoes. Ever notice shoes? Everybody wears them. Just look down. There’s so many different kinds. A lotta shoes sound like what they are. Oxfords, work shoes, loafers. I guess the good thing about loafers is you don’t have to tie them. Space shoes, boots! Ever notice there weren’t many Nazis named Steve? You know what’s annoying? When that little plastic thing on the end of your shoelaces falls off and gets frayed at the end, and you can’t get ‘em through the holes, and you gotta do this [licks end of shoelace] to do this. [pushes shoelace through hole in shoe] Ever notice what a weird name Morley Safer is? Morley, is that the opposite of Leslie? And Mike Wallace. Boy, what a jackass! I mean, if you did something illegal, would you tell Mike Wallace about it? I wouldn’t. Ever notice how annoying my voice is? Of course, you can turn it off. I can’t. Ever notice it gets dark at night? Where does the sun go? Nobody knows. Ever notice how much rouge I have on my cheeks? Of course, some people think it makes me look like a clown.

Whatever.

Cereal is great. And it says a lot about your day by what you go with. When asked what kind of music they like to listen to, most people say “I love everything except country” (or rap, depending on who I am talking to). Well I am kind of like that about cereal, except replace “country” with “raisins.”

What does your cereal choice say about you?
Granola (or muesli if you are an asshole): I want to eat something that seems good for me and is also tasty and if course it isn’t fattening or caloric, it is granola. I definitely voted for Obama, but I’m not sure I want to give up my SUV. I am entitled. Personally, eating granola makes me feel good about myself. When I eat it with yogurt, I feel like I am a forager.

Froot Loops – I like sugar, and I like trying to guess what colors taste like. I also like staring at a red box. Delicious, and maybe the best way to say to the world “Fuck you. I am an adult and I’ll eat what I want for breakfast.”

Cheerios – I want to eat 1,000 of something, and I don’t want to use my teeth much. Also, I want to eat something that taste like Casper, Wyoming.

Honey Nut Cheerios – Still with the teeth problem, but I want to treat myself a little. Also, I saw that commercial and maybe, just maybe the Honey Nut will lower my cholesterol.

Crispix: When I am feeling like I want crispy x2. By the way, Crispix is underrated. I’m going to go get some this weekend.

Raisin Bran: I said no fucking raisins! I’m eating a donut.

Cookie Crisp – I’m giving up.

Kashi Go Lean Crunch – I feel better than Cookie Crisp day, but today I want my palate to bleed.

Captain Crunch – I’m giving up and I want my palate to bleed

Cracklin Oat Bran – Oat Bran is due to come back.

Life – I am wise about my own life. I recognize that life needs some sugar on it to make it go down easy, but I also recognize that breakfast is not the time for dessert. I want my shit to look human. Also, Mikey likes it, and Mikey is the fucking bomb.

Other cereal suggestions?

The cell phone is great for this. Checking email, texting, anything but talking. I won’t answer the phone on the can unless it is my wife, in which case I might answer with “I’m on the can, call you back.” It is important to not do this when someone else is in the bathroom.

Mostly I waste time playing apps or reading. Somehow I am at most least interruptible at these times. It got bad once when I had an old BlackBerry and was obsessed with brickbreaker. For some reason, there is a specific lean forward while playing apps on the can that pushes on a nerve. After 20 minutes or so of this, legs can fall asleep. So what happened was, after being all done, I got up to flush and pull up the pants and lo and behold, the legs don’t work. So my body goes flying into the stall door, the Blackberry goes flying (thankfully not into the shitter) and I am lucky to not be going to the ER. That would have been a difficult one to explain.

Have I learned my lesson? Kind of. Need to adjust the lean during the crap to avoid that happening.

So now I floss in the car. There is no law against it, but I recommend not flossing while actually driving. Red lights are kind of perfect, and if you don’t finish in time, you can actually just let the floss hang in the wedge between your teeth. Who is going to know?

The hardest part of flossing in the car is disposing of the floss when you are done. I usually go throw it away when I get to work, but this is not as easy as it sounds because the yucky floss sticks to your hands when you go to shake it off into the garbage. Then I end up missing the trash and it goes on the ground. Then I gotta try to pick it up again off of the concrete, and wouldn’t you know it is hard to grab.

The moral of the story is throwing away floss in public is embarrassing.