bitterbuffalo

There is only one question you need to ask a guy to figure out if he is old.  That question is, “What is better, a really great poop or just everyday, not extraordinary sex?”  At 23, this was a completely ridiculous question that invited immediate derision and hazing of the askor.  At 40, it is simply a question, one that requires at list a split moment of thought.

For me, the answer is still clearly the sex, but depending on the mood, it can take some thought.  So really, the way to know you are getting old is that you took a second to think about the pros of each:

1) Sex – Delightful!  Fun!  Sharing of intimacy and love with the woman who wants to spend her whole life with me.  A biological itch scratched.  A way to remember what Led Zeppelin is singing about.

2) Poop – Fantastic!  Time to catch up on email.  Quiet time in a closed room with yourself, someone you’ll be spending your whole life with.  A weight loss technique.  Biology in action.  A way to remember what Weird Al is singing about.

Bottom line, as soon as you start breaking it down, you are old.  If you are reading this, congratulations, you are officially old.

By the way, if the offered sex is Mila Kunis sex, I am no longer old.  I think this is what they mean when old men marry younger women to “keep them young.”  All that means is that it keeps them from idolizing their own poop.

I decided to start ShittyFinger when I kept coming up with ideas like the Shitty Finger (hence the name).  It is a pretty good approximation of what this blog is about; silly, over the line, sometimes gross, hopefully funny.  I swear it won’t all be Shitty Finger, but at heart, the concept is Shitty Finger.

I am a white guy in the suburbs.  I’m also hairy and I have digestive issues.  There, I’ve said it.  Sometimes when I poop, it ain’t pretty.  Sometimes I make a lot of progress.  Sometimes I just sit there broken hearted.  But every once in awhile (once a month?) I think I made a lot of progress only to find, upon wiping, that I am not so high and mighty.  What results is a ShittyFinger (c).  That oh so humbling experience of the combination of too much force, not enough bulk of TP, and way too much poop.  The TP gives under the weight, the finger goes right through and you, sir (or madam, I guess), are the proud owner of a Shitty Finger.

Do other people get these a lot?  I’m a hairy guy and I think that is the root of the issue.  But I also have a sense that my poop is, well, tackier than most.  I’m not sure I have a way of proving this.  I did swallow a lot of gum as a kid and that supposedly stays in your system forever, but maybe if I knew what caused this, I could adjust my life accordingly.

How you react to the Shitty Finger says a lot about you.  Usually the phases for me are: 1) Surprise (What the hell just happened you weak ass toilet paper?); 2) Damage Control (How do we make sure to get all the offending toilet paper out of the immediate area); 3) Wipe again (well, duh); 4) Resist the urge to scratch one’s face (which is suddenly itchy); 5) Sneaking out of the stall (public restroom only – which, honestly, is where the weak ass toilet paper usually resides); 6) A Karen Silkwood like hand scrubbing, paying extra attention to getting underneath the fingernails; 7) Smell Hands; (8) Wash some more; 9)A horrible feeling the rest of the day whenever you eat anything with your hands.

We all have Shitty Finger days.  Circumstances converge and your tacky shit gets the best of you.  What can you do but deal with it?